Saturday, May 17, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
It's Mother's day and I am extremely thankful to be a mom, I love my children more than life itself and would do anything for them.
But it's hard, loving them is hard sometimes, not losing it when they seem to push every button of my existence to the limit, not running away from it all, not thinking the what ifs...
I'm not going to lie
Being a mom is the hardest most selfless thing I do
My needs, my wants, my dreams and wishes and thoughts and sometimes my happiness.. All gets put aside for them.
If I didn't have them my life would be different, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have gone through the toughest times in my life. I wouldn't have spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, the thoughts of losing them wouldn't flood my mind.
I could have done without losing a child to a miscarriage, I could have been fine without having a child so close to dying so many times and spending weeks and months by his hospital bed. I could have taken a different route in my pursuit of happiness and love.
All the fighting, the tears I've shed, the meetings, the beginnings, the ends, triumphs and losses.
I never imagined I would have to fight so hard for make my child's life easier. Never even thought about IEPs, 504s, transplants, feeding tubes, TPN, central lines, sepsis until I was a mom.
And not just any mom
A mom who has gone through hell and made it back to keep on fighting.
A mom who has seen the loss and had the loss and been so close to loosing.
My children are my world. All I do, all I think, all I imagine is for them.
I make sacrifices for them.
Motherhood isn't for all, and frankly it isn't what I thought it was. It isn't what I imagined when I was a little girl dreaming of my perfect life. It's not what I recommend for everyone. It is hard!!
Being a mom will be the hardest job you will ever have. Being a mom to special needs children will be even harder and will push you even more to the brink of giving up.
But I wouldn't trade them for anyone else. I love them. I love the person they have made me. They have opened my eyes, my ears and my heart to far greater love than I could have ever known without them.
And I will be forever grateful and humbled to be their mom.
So however you see it, however you see me, however you see them.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is how they see me
And they see me as their mom.
The one who wipes away their tears, kisses their hurts, hugs them when they are sad. The one who will never stop fighting for the best for them.
Their mom. That is who I am. That is what defines me. Them. My children. My heart, my soul and my love.
Saturday, May 03, 2014
"I'm friends with the monsters under my bed,
get along with the voices inside of my head,
You're trying to save me
Stop wasting your breath
You think I'm crazy,
And that's not fair"
This song has a strong feeling in my heart for my son. To be only seven he already battles depression and anxiety and most days he hates himself. His inner struggles are bad. He says he is bad, he hates his brain, he hates that everything that he does he can't control and it frustrates him.
This is his life. The meltdowns that look that like a two year olds temper tantrum, the difference is... it's not for attention, he can't control them and you can't stop them. He struggles to make sense of his world, his self. He feels he let's people down and he feels so different from everyone else. He thinks no one likes him.
Today was hard.
Today he broke his brothers heart.
Today he scared me more than I thought I could be.
I am not going to explain everything that happened because we need to work through this first. We need expert advice from his trusted and loved psychologist. But he needs prayers for comfort and peace. He needs guidance and assurance that everything will be ok in his world.
That's all I ask. He's only seven and shouldn't have to feel this way about himself. My heart needs some comfort. My mommy heart is breaking for my sweet boy. I can't explain how hard it is to watch him struggle with himself. I hate to watch him cry and tell me he doesn't want to be here. That he's a bad boy and no one loves him.
I feel helpless and sad. I want to help him, I want to make him see that he is wonderful and perfect. I couldn't love him anymore than I do now no mater what. No matter who he is or was or is going to be. I just want him to understand this. I need him to understand that he is loved and he is needed.