Monday, January 20, 2014


Last week I took Luke to his evaluation by his developmental behavior pediatrician, which was hard even though I already know half the struggles he has everyday. Seeing him struggle and not being able to help him is something no parent wants to watch.
We know Luke struggles everyday with having global dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder, adhd-combined type, dyslexia, dysgraphia and some more but with all these there are so many aspects that we don't understand still. There really is no telling what is going on inside his head at any time, and one minute he can be the sweetest most caring little boy then like a flip of a switch he is in full meltdown mode and I am left to figure out why.
He constantly tells himself he is horrible or he can't do anything right, that he is a bad boy and it takes everything I have to try and convince him that IS wonderful. But then just the simple act of telling him to stop doing something ends us back in the battle field again. He can't control his brain from thinking that every time he makes a mistake he is failing.
So the intent of this evaluation was to help us figure out exactly what is going on inside his head. Many people have told me that he shows a lot of Autistic tendencies and that he is probably on the spectrum somewhere. And yes I can see those characteristics in certain things he does,
-he has always lined up his toys, and color coordinated his cars and blocks.
-he has sensory processing disorder, which can also be a disorder all by itself but also a trademark of autism
-he has developmental delays
-he toe walks
-he will sit for hours engaged in an activity that most kids would be bored with
-he HAS to have his alone time
-his meltdowns are out of control
I could honestly go on and on about all the symptoms he portrays but really all I want our ways to help him. If he has autism or something else going on, he just needs me to understand him and be able to help him.
This evaluation was not much different than his pycho-educational evaluation he had back in May 2013 for school. But even after being in developmental kindergarten for half the school year already, he still struggles in areas that should be so simple. And it is heart breaking.
He was asked to time of day it was.. not like the clock time but like is it morning, afternoon or night, and it took several attempts and lots of extra clues for him to figure it out. He was asked what his last name was, he knows but he has to say his whole name to get out the last name and he couldn't write it when asked. He actually couldn't even write his alphabet, the only word he still only knows how to write from memory is his first name. He also had to imitate the doctor with simple hand movements which proved to be a greater task.
And I'm not writing this to tell you all the things he can't do, but for an almost 7 year old who has been in school since he was 2 1/2, was in pre k twice and now in a developmental kindergarten with only 4 other kids it is hard to cope with.
I KNOW he is smart and I want him to succeed, I HATE that he has to struggle to do so. He gets so frustrated at himself and he gives up so easily. So I really hope this evaluation will give me some insight on ways to help him. But I do have to wait till Wednesday to find out.

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Friday, January 17, 2014

Finally Friday!!

Yay it's Friday!!
And I have a serious blog post I am working on, but just trying to get my thoughts all down so that will be coming out this weekend sometime.
But for today, it's Friday so lets have some fun!
5 on Friday
brought to you by Natasha
For one- this week has been amazing in many ways, Monday was hard but finally got past a really rough place that I was in. I had been missing smiles and laughter and being the reason for someone's happy thoughts. I truly know what is important in my life and I what I want to fight for. So since Monday, I have been so happy and thankful for what is going to be a great future.
Two- Luke had his evaluation this week with his developmental and behavior doctor, which was very hard to watch (more about this in the before mentioned serious post that will be coming out this weekend) But the appt was eye opening in some ways, I learn so much more about my boy and my love for him everyday. I know he will be great and will succeed even if it just takes him longer.
Three- My blog got picked for blog of the week by Lost and Tired a really big Special Needs blog. I am so truly honored to be picked by him, I love this blog, it is very informative. And also meant that my blog got recommended to Holly Robinson Peete, which is just so exciting to me. To think that my blog is truly making a difference and people are reading it, amazes me.
Four- I am finally starting to feel better!! Praise the Lord!! I so want to feel like a human again, and today I actually made my way back into the gym. Nothing major but a big step, haven't been able to go in over a month and my body was feeling it. Emotionally the gym is awesome, such a stress relief and just me and my own world. I am so relieved to be feeling better.
Five- I got my partner for the Valentines Day swap box, My partner is Ellen from Ask Away Blog I am so excited to get to know her. She is awesome and I love learning all about her favorites. She is an amazing fashion and advise blogger. Did I mention I love here fashion sense??!!! We will be great friends for sure.
Last but not least, it's Friday so time for Whitney  #backthatazzup jam 

Monday, January 13, 2014

Ready to scream!!!

The drama... if anyone was going to win an Emmy at my house, my boys would have it in the bag. I sometimes, well most of time, have no clue what evens starts the meltdowns. And sometimes I honestly have had enough, I really just want to scream. Not at them but just at the world, I mean how easy would it be to dress 2 kids when you didn't have to worry about the problems just the clothes cause to him. Without having to comfort him because it's winter and it's cold and it's not appropriate to go outside in shorts and a t shirt. It's a struggle, and it's heart breaking and it's consuming.
This morning we had some broken nose drama on top of it all, which caused more change. Lucas got to stay out of school due to a Dr appt for the supposed broken nose. And any change in routine causes major problems in his behavior. So really all the meltdowns were forth coming. Even knowing today was going to be less than pleasant from the start, it still takes me by surprise just how bad or what little it takes to really set off the roller coaster of endless meltdowns.
Oh and not to mention this morning over breakfast he lost a baby tooth.... so that ended breakfast and has farther ruined all meals for the remainder of the day.
 I have learned that sometimes the best thing during his meltdowns is to give him space and let him calm down. After the what seemed like endless car ride to the doctor, he sat quietly on the bench across from me, buried in his fleece hoodie, not looking at anyone. I let him sit there, got many looks from all the other parents in the room and knew what they were thinking. But until they walk a day in my shoes, they can give all the looks they want. When he finally made eye contact with me, I slid onto the bench next to him and he layed his head in my lap and told me he loved me.
The endings sometimes come just as fast and mysterious as the meltdowns do.
And now as I write this, both boys are immersed in playing Minecraft on their tablets. And hopefully the worst has come and gone today. But then we still have dinner, bath and bedtime to get through. And for a 6 year old that has no control over his hyperactive mind, bedtime leads into a bigger battle. So I am sure I will be ready to scream again around 9:00 tonight after the third or fourth time of tucking him into his bed.
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Friday, January 10, 2014

5 on Friday

It's Friday, yay , well for me it doesn't really matter. I haven't been to work in about 3 weeks now due to my surgery and so I half the time I am not really even sure what day it is much less the date!!
But today I am going to link up with Whitney with the #backthatazzup
So here goes my Friday so far.....
1. First off, I have learned today that I will be buying my kids dentist his next new car with all the work that both my boys will need in their mouths. Good thing their dentist is also an orthodontist (as he reminded me today, I should be glad he went to school for those extra 3 years) Guess I should be looking for that extra job now and maybe by the time they are 10 I get them braces.
2. I am so tired of the cold, and if it's not the cold... it's raining, A LOT! My yard is a mudpit, my driveway is flooded, my floors are disgusting. And I'm really sure that Mother Nature doesn't know how hard it is to keep 2 boys, 1 of which has ADHD contained and happy when they can't go outside for days. But hey, on the positive note... I have greatly appreciated my rain boots I got for Christmas!
3. Football playoffs are this weekend! My team isn't playing but still I love football anyway and my home state team is in them so I guess I'm obligated to pull for them. Go Panthers!!!
4. My 6 year old experienced his first bloody nose and black eyes today. Thought it was a  good idea to burn off some energy after their dentist appt this morning at the bouncy house. My kids love this place! But yeah he decided to crash his nose into the back of his Nana's head and bloody his nose. Luckily it isn't broken but he will have black eyes for the next couple of days. Poor boy :(
5. And finally,
Good thing about the weekend, I get to sleep in!! Best plan ever!! NO school, and so the kids get to wake up with daddy and let mommy sleep in.
That's my 5 for Friday! And best part of course...
my jam for #backthatazzup 
Hey Brother by Avicii on Grooveshark
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Thursday, January 09, 2014

What's in my playlist??

So my taste in music ranges from
"that's an awesome OMG what is this girl thinking??"
I like a lot of mainstream songs and artists but then again I love the bands that aren't so big too. Although now in my car I really don't get to listen to my music choices, my radio is now filled with "the fresh beat band" and "frozen" soundtrack.
But when I do get a choice, you know when both kids have their headphones on playing on their tablets (we call this mommy time) This is my go to playlist, and most of time I just skip to the songs I am in the mood for. I am the type of person that likes the song because of the story it tells not just because it is catchy.
So have some fun and listen to my playlist, you can thank me for all your new song loves later :)

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Wednesday, January 08, 2014


So, I got weighed today at the doctor and it inspired me to write this post. And really all I can say is WOW for myself, I am so proud of myself!
February marks 2 years since I started going to the gym, and even though I don't go nearly as much now. In fact I haven't been in about a month due to being my medical issues right now but I really can't wait to start back.... hmmm did I just say that?? I never thought I would be one to actually miss going to working out.

So with that said.... 2 years ago, when I started at the gym, I was out of shape--- sooooo out of shape. My son had just came home from a long 2 month hospital stay and for the first time in 2 years he was doing good and I had came to the conclusion that I needed "me" time and start taking care of myself.

When I started at the gym, I weighed 165 lbs!!! I worked out with a personal trainer 3 days a week and a month after starting, I decided to the Spartan Sprint Race which is a BRUTAL mud/obstacle 5K race which really ended up being 5.7 miles and about 20 obstacles!! Did I mention it was BRUTAL????!!!!?? But as hard as it was, it was a real wake up call that I needed to get fit.

Yep.. that's me in the back on the right with the back pack on (Horrible picture!!)

Here are some pics of me 2 years ago, start of healthy journey....
This is before I started at gym 2010 (just so you know that I have never been small and this has always been a struggle for me)

Size 14! 
This was in March of 2012, CRAZY!!!!

This was October of 2012 on Zach's Make a Wish trip, about 8 months into journey
And today at office I weighed in at 128 lbs!!!!!!! Now, granted I have been dealing with some health issues so eating and being nauseous has been an issue over the last couple of months. But even before then, I was at a happy weight of 135 lbs at the beginning of December.
But seeing that today was just plain crazy!!!
I am actally going to strive to NOT lose anymore weight, I don't want to, it would be completely unhealthy for me and that is NOT my goal.
I want to be healthy and fit and active, not starving and look like a stick.
 But here are some pics of the now me......

  Size 6!



HUGE difference, Right?!!!
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#backthatazzup my jam today
The Monster (feat. Rihanna) by Eminem on Grooveshark

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

10 Favorite Things

I'm participating in Endlessly Beloved 10 favorite things link up.
So here are my favorite things about the New Year

1.  New you!! Yeah we all say it, every year but this year I really mean it. As far as health goes, it is a new me minus some organs so hopefully this year will be pain free and good!!!

2. Birthdays!! My boys turn 5 and 7 this year, OMG where has the time gone???? It's scary and exciting all at the same time. They grow up so fast which is sad since they are no longer my baby boys but I am also excited what each new year brings for them. And I turn 30 this year!! That's enough said, I don't like getting older, it's a big pet peeve!

3. Opportunities! In all areas of my life, I am excited to see what happens with my blogging this year, My blog is growing and reaching more people all over the world and that is awesome!! And in my life there is always an opportunity to make everyday better than the last.

4. Inspiration! My goal this year is to be inspiring. I truly want people to be inspired by me, my blog, my children. I want to feel like I made a purpose this year.

5. Seasons! I love changing seasons, not to say that I love HOT HOT weather or even COLD weather but I like all the in betweens. And I do LOVE laying on the beach or in the pool!!

6. Christmas!!! Yes, Christmas! I love love love Christmas time, all the hype leading up to it. The lights, the feelings, cooking, buying gifts. It just seems to put me in a good mood.

7. Memories! I can't wait to make new memories this year!

8. Taxes! Hahahah yes I am looking forward to money! But who isn't??!!

9. Happiness!! I want to be happy!

10. Vacation! I am already looking forward to whatever last minute low budget vacay I get. I really and truly need it and want some relaxation.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

i need a light

Just as a disclaimer, this post is a huge rant on what has been going on with me physically and mentally over the past 8 months due to a medical condition. It is lengthy and probably too much information for some readers but this is my place to be myself and talk about my feelings so I needed to get all of this out.
These past 8 months have had a huge toll on me physically, emotionally and have been mentally exhausting.
I have gone from a person who never takes medicine to one who is on pain killers everyday religiously, and I hate that. I was once at the gym everyday working out with a personal trainer several times a week, in really good shape and loving every minute of it.
I hate what these past months have done to me, I hate this person I am now. I have no energy, I have no motivation, I am sick and throwing up everyday. I have lacked on being the best parent I could possibly be. I want my old self back.
I have had 3 surgeries since May all to fix the same issues. I have had dreams of a bigger family crushed, and my womanhood stripped away slowly.
It all started in April with extreme lower abdominal pain which was thought to be caused from an infection in my uterus caused by my mirena IUD. I was told to take antibiotics and no work for a week, I ended up in the hospital days later in pain and non stop vomiting from the pain so my doctor ordered surgery the next day. This first surgery showed a huge need for a hysterectomy caused by some endometriosis and pelvic congestion syndrome. Which meant all my dreams for a bigger family, my wish for having my little girl were now gone. 
A month later I had my hysterectomy, as much as I didn't want to, it was a must and the doctor was very hopeful this would end my pain. The recovery was slow and long, it took weeks for me to feel like myself. And for a month or so I did feel better.
Then it all started again, the pain and the nausea were back. So we decided to do a 6 month course of a chemo like injection that is supposed to put you into a chemically induced menopause. I can recall my first weeks on this medication, I felt like crap honestly. I had no energy, every muscle hurt and the simple act of getting up and down was wearing on me. After the first month, the extreme sickness came along. I was on anti nausea meds around the clock with no help. Our goal at this time was to get through one more month and hopefully I would get some relief. But week after week passed with no help so after long talks, we decided that the only option left was to remove my ovaries and tubes.
I had surgery only a week ago for this and so still recovering. I can say though that being thrown into menopause is no joke. It's extremely hard, the hot flashes are draining on me mentally. Not to mention the thoughts I have anyway of being only 29 years old and going through something that people double my age should be going through. Not me.
I can't sleep, I am so restless, my mind is going non stop. I know I am going into depression about this, it's not just the pain (which yes, is getting better) but it is still the nausea, everyday throwing up. I can't shake it, I hate even getting out of bed. I know I am being mean to everyone around me, I am being short to my kids but I don't know how to stop. I can't. I just want to be happy and healthy again. I want to run, running away would be nice too. But I want to be back to wanting to get up and go to the gym, wanting to play with my kids, I just want to feel better. I am so tired of feeling like crap.
I know it has to get better eventually, right? And what does this mean for me? I am 29 years old, I now have a greater risk for all these medically conditions because I have lost major hormone producing organs in my body. And now I have to take medication for the rest of my life just to be able to function somewhat normal.
I just need reassurance, I need someone who can tell me without a doubt that it does get better because right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

Saturday, January 04, 2014

2014 blogger challenge -New Years Inspiration

New Years inspiration was our first blogger challenge post for 2014.
 This is a complete redo of my first inspiration post, I posted a song that was from a favorite group that means to me but might not be as inspiring to others. So as I was looking through my home page on FB this morning, a friend has posted this song.
This is a group that I LOVE but honestly haven't listened to in months. And I have heard this song so many times before but somehow it just seems to speak to me and what I need. With all that has been going on in my life, I have lost focus on a major part. And this song completely re instills all that I am missing, all that I lost focus from.
 I have been relying on my own solutions to problems and worrying about so many things I cannot change. When that's never the answer, that wasn't the plan that God had intended for us. So yeah for me this outdoes any other inspiration that I could think of for this year.

"Spirit lead me without where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet can ever wonder
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour"

Oceans (Where feet might fail)

by Hillsong UNITED