Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Yeah I've been asking myself this question for years... When did my little 4 lb miracle baby get so big?
He is growing up on me and I am so not prepared for this. Why why why can he just not stay little?
I can so easily remember finding out I was pregnant with you, after a year of fertility drugs, pills, shots and after a round of artificial insemination you were made.
But you made sure that your appearance was going to be just as dramatic as your conception.. trying to strangle yourself in the womb. Such a lucky day when the doctors found out. So lucky we found out in time. If not, you would not be here.
From rushing to the hospital after the doctors telling me you weren't moving to the ride down to the operating room for my emergency c - section.
Life is a roller coaster and you made sure I was in the front row.
Emotions I hadn't prepared for as you came into this world eight weeks too soon. Seeing you with wires and tubes and lights and not being able to hold you. To leaving you at the hospital in the care of nurses and doctors for 4 long weeks.
You are certainly a miracle baby.
And now my soon to be 7 year old. Your struggles are deep and I only wish I could see the world the way you do. I wish I could feel the things you do, how you do. To help you interpret and survive in this world.
The days I feel like giving up, I think of you. It would be easy for you to give up, the struggles you face everyday head on and keep going. You teach me so much.
You will always be my world. I will stop at nothing to make this world easier for you, to help you with your struggles. I will be your strength when you can't stand, your voice when you can't muster the words and your shadow when you get the confidence.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Almost a month ago I was diagnosed with a painful auto immune disorder. I've actually been dealing with the effects of it for over a year and maybe longer but finally saw the right doctor and got diagnosed.
So I have Interstitial Cystitis, a painful bladder and pelvic disorder. But honestly it affects so much more than your bladder. It causes inflammation in your bladder walls and surrounding muscles, causing pelvic floor dysfunction. To say that is painful, is an understatement. It hurts everyday, all day, with no relief. I have to urinate almost every 30 minutes and can't empty my bladder so it always feel like I have to go even if I just went. And my bladder spasms causing me to not be able to go because my body fears the pain.
I have been through so many medications over the past month. I have tried bladder instillations, pain meds and now physical therapy. I am taking more meds than I have ever taken. I just turned 30 this past week and yet I feel like a 70 year old. It sucks to be quite honest. To try to function like a normal human being is unbearable some days, but I have to and it takes all I have to do it.
I am also coming to terms with having a chronic auto immune disorder that drastically changes my life. I have to follow a very strict IC diet, that restricts me from eating and drinking almost everything. And I constantly get asked how I am feeling..
I really don't want to talk about it, I hurt. It feels like I am being sat on by 400 lb person while they are stabbing a hot knife in my lower abdomen and twisting it over and over and over again. Do you get the picture?? If you have ever had an UTI, think about those symptoms 24/7 and 10 x worse. Don't tell me you understand cause you don't. And don't ask me if I am going to do something today other than lay on the couch with a heating pad on me. There is no way to explain to you the emotions and pain I am feeling.
I try not to whine and complain and honestly most days you will never know just how bad I feel. That's the mommy in me I suppose. I will put my needs aside because I have to. But everyday is tough, everyday sucks and hurts.
So now I'm living with IC, actually no, I am suffering with IC.