Friday, August 23, 2013

On your way...

I am so proud of you. 
My miracle baby that came into this world 8 weeks too soon, you have just finished your first week of Kindergarten. I feared these days. With all your struggles and your differences, the days of sending you off in the care of others and me not by your side to hold your hand and say it's ok. You are growing up and I don't know what your future brings but I am so proud of you for where you are. 
You amaze me everyday. I saw you kick your legs on the swing yesterday, that is such a big step! And today your teacher told me that you played in PE! It's the little things that make me proud. You will never have to win awards or come in first place to amaze me. I find amazement in the things that you are getting better at, the button that you couldn't work yesterday but today you got it. The letters that I found you wrote on a piece of paper all by yourself, and the shoes that you put on and got them on the right feet. 
You are a miracle and you will accomplish great things. 
I am so proud of you. 

Lucas birth til Kindergarten in pictures-
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Monday, August 12, 2013

Same story...different authors

I am so over the meltdowns, the screaming, the whining, the time, and the energy. It is draining me, all that I have, everything that I am is going into surviving the days. And this is just my side of the story, I know his is the same.

I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I am over the world not making sense, it's too loud, there are too many people, places, sounds, smells, don't look at me, you're new, I don't know you, get out of my space, I can't control it, the energy... I am done... this is his side of the story.

We write the same story and yet we can't read each others words...

He just wants his world to make sense, but nothing does, his body can't process the smells, sounds or even the thoughts on what each day will bring. When he sees new people he hides, he won't talk to them, no matter how much coaching. When his routine or schedule is off, it's all downhill. When a simple drop of pancake lands on his shorts...the day is ruined, and it's not about the pancake, it's all about his world not being in control.

I wish I had a magic wand to make it better, or at least to make sense of it. But I don't, I have to play the guessing game to try and figure out what to do, or when to do it or how to prevent the next meltdown or outburst of anger. I wish I could just make his world make sense to him, I wish I could just slow it down, and say it's going to be ok.

But then it hits, the meltdown.. not the typical 3 year old, "I didn't get my way" temper tantrum. No, the "I have no control over what I am doing nor do I at this point even know why I am doing it" meltdown. And all I can do is sit and wait, wait for the storm to pass and the sweet calm loving boy to come back to me. The calm has to take over. And then its gone. And the reason why it began in the first place doesn't even matter, it was most likely not the root of the meltdown, it just set it off. It was like the icing on a cake, all of the layers were made and put together and then when the icing was laid, it crumbled with all the pressure.

Thats' my boy...

His world, this world is overwhelming. And he can't make sense out of it, he can't control it and he crumbles.