The monsters

"I'm friends with the monsters under my bed,
get along with the voices inside of my head,
You're trying to save me
Stop wasting your breath
You think I'm crazy,
And that's not fair"

This song has a strong feeling in my heart for my son. To be only seven he already battles depression and anxiety and most days he hates himself. His inner struggles are bad. He says he is bad, he hates his brain, he hates that everything that he does he can't control and it frustrates him.
This is his life. The meltdowns that look that like a two year olds temper tantrum, the difference is... it's not for attention, he can't control them and you can't stop them. He struggles to make sense of his world, his self. He feels he let's people down and he feels so different from everyone else. He thinks no one likes him.
Today was hard.
Today he broke his brothers heart. 
Today he scared me more than I thought I could be.
I am not going to explain everything that happened because we need to work through this first. We need expert advice from his trusted and loved psychologist.  But he needs prayers for comfort and peace. He needs guidance and assurance that everything will be ok in his world.
That's all I ask. He's only seven and shouldn't have to feel this way about himself. My heart needs some comfort. My mommy heart is breaking for my sweet boy.  I can't explain how hard it is to watch him struggle with himself. I hate to watch him cry and tell me he doesn't want to be here. That he's a bad boy and no one loves him.
I feel helpless and sad. I want to help him, I want to make him see that he is wonderful and perfect. I couldn't love him anymore than I do now no mater what. No matter who he is or was or is going to be. I just want him to understand this. I need him to understand that he is loved and he is needed.

Same story...different authors

I am so over the meltdowns, the screaming, the whining, the time, and the energy. It is draining me, all that I have, everything that I am is going into surviving the days. And this is just my side of the story, I know his is the same.

I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I am over the world not making sense, it's too loud, there are too many people, places, sounds, smells, don't look at me, you're new, I don't know you, get out of my space, I can't control it, the energy... I am done... this is his side of the story.

We write the same story and yet we can't read each others words...

He just wants his world to make sense, but nothing does, his body can't process the smells, sounds or even the thoughts on what each day will bring. When he sees new people he hides, he won't talk to them, no matter how much coaching. When his routine or schedule is off, it's all downhill. When a simple drop of pancake lands on his shorts...the day is ruined, and it's not about the pancake, it's all about his world not being in control.

I wish I had a magic wand to make it better, or at least to make sense of it. But I don't, I have to play the guessing game to try and figure out what to do, or when to do it or how to prevent the next meltdown or outburst of anger. I wish I could just make his world make sense to him, I wish I could just slow it down, and say it's going to be ok.

But then it hits, the meltdown.. not the typical 3 year old, "I didn't get my way" temper tantrum. No, the "I have no control over what I am doing nor do I at this point even know why I am doing it" meltdown. And all I can do is sit and wait, wait for the storm to pass and the sweet calm loving boy to come back to me. The calm has to take over. And then its gone. And the reason why it began in the first place doesn't even matter, it was most likely not the root of the meltdown, it just set it off. It was like the icing on a cake, all of the layers were made and put together and then when the icing was laid, it crumbled with all the pressure.


Thats' my boy...

His world, this world is overwhelming. And he can't make sense out of it, he can't control it and he crumbles.