pain...

Pain is a bitch. I hate it, I hide it so well though that you would never know I spent the morning crying with an ice pack on my stomach. That I swallowed back two not working pain pills.. The pain pills that are basically equivalent to Ibuprofren  cause I am allergic to anything else. That I didn't sleep the night before but just laid there wishing it would stop. 

You'll never know this, you'll never know any of this... Why?! Because I am a mom of two boys who need me and look to me to run their lives everyday. I have to be that person they depend on so what and how I feel doesn't matter. I hide it so I can be normal for them. 

I hide it so I can be normal for everyone. I have a job, I love my job. I also have a full time college education I am pursuing and a full time wife status that I am trying to pull off yet somehow always fall short because some people just can't understand how pain changes people and how pain causes people to not show emotion because you can't stop once you start. 

But the pain, people don't understand pain. Especially when you physically don't have a "reason" for it. I do have reasons for pain but no one knows that either. See I don't tell people about my reasons, I keep my surgery and my problems to myself. I strive to be normal. It's everything I want, I hate that I am not. I hate this person I am, but I can't change the pain. 

So I just hide it so well you never know it exists.