hug them. squeeze them. never let them go

You hug them a little tighter, tell them you love them for the 15th time today, give them that extra kiss they ask for and when they want five more minutes in your bed...you say ok.... Why? Because you just never know if this is the last. 

They grow up too fast, in the blink of eye they go from pooping in diapers to driving a car. And you look back when you're dropping them off a block from the school  cause you're "cool" to them anymore, and you miss the times when you had the chance to squeeze them and when they actually wanted to give you kisses. 

And in the wake of all the wrong in the world, you look at this being you've created and molded and watched grow and you realize that you made some mistakes, you gave him too many cookies before dinner, they saw you cry too many times, you lost your temper once or twice... But through all of that, something great happened. Your child. 

And they are not perfect, by all means. They will mess up and ask for your help. Give it. Willingly. But even if they don't ask, give it. Because sometimes we as parents have to give in to give them what they need not what we want. 

You never know if tomorrow is promised, and watching the news everyday surely makes you hope that it is. It is scary to think people have no regard for precious life and can just take it as they wish. So treasure yours, treasure your children and family.

Hug them a little tighter, tell them you love them for the 16th time and give them another kiss. 

 

 

 

pain...

Pain is a bitch. I hate it, I hide it so well though that you would never know I spent the morning crying with an ice pack on my stomach. That I swallowed back two not working pain pills.. The pain pills that are basically equivalent to Ibuprofren  cause I am allergic to anything else. That I didn't sleep the night before but just laid there wishing it would stop. 

You'll never know this, you'll never know any of this... Why?! Because I am a mom of two boys who need me and look to me to run their lives everyday. I have to be that person they depend on so what and how I feel doesn't matter. I hide it so I can be normal for them. 

I hide it so I can be normal for everyone. I have a job, I love my job. I also have a full time college education I am pursuing and a full time wife status that I am trying to pull off yet somehow always fall short because some people just can't understand how pain changes people and how pain causes people to not show emotion because you can't stop once you start. 

But the pain, people don't understand pain. Especially when you physically don't have a "reason" for it. I do have reasons for pain but no one knows that either. See I don't tell people about my reasons, I keep my surgery and my problems to myself. I strive to be normal. It's everything I want, I hate that I am not. I hate this person I am, but I can't change the pain. 

So I just hide it so well you never know it exists. 

Ramblings

So I feel like my blog has always brought me a joy and outlet for writing and expressing my feelings.. And I've been very neglectful to it and the people who follow it when for so long this was my way of dealing with a lot of emotions I was going through mentally and physically. 

Over the past year, I've kept in so much. I've been going through so much with my health and complications from my surgery (see previous posts) that I haven't had the time or ability really to sit down and express everything. It's been a very challenging recovery, mentally, physically and emotionally and to say I am over it or it's all better is definitely not a true statement. But right now, I don't want to start back into my blog with all that has happened, I am trying to not relive or think about all that IC did to me, has done to me. So I'm not going to write about it, at least not yet. Maybe I will come back to it at some point and share more of my story but not now. 

I am coming back to writing as a means of healing and reflection and all the good it does me. I am going to venture into expanding what I write about. Sure, I'll still be writing about my children and their struggles but also some other topics. 

So this is just basically me rambling about how I'm back now, and this is the first post since 2015. It's not much but it's been a while so I'm sure it will all come back eventually.