Sunday, January 05, 2014

i need a light

Just as a disclaimer, this post is a huge rant on what has been going on with me physically and mentally over the past 8 months due to a medical condition. It is lengthy and probably too much information for some readers but this is my place to be myself and talk about my feelings so I needed to get all of this out.
These past 8 months have had a huge toll on me physically, emotionally and have been mentally exhausting.
I have gone from a person who never takes medicine to one who is on pain killers everyday religiously, and I hate that. I was once at the gym everyday working out with a personal trainer several times a week, in really good shape and loving every minute of it.
I hate what these past months have done to me, I hate this person I am now. I have no energy, I have no motivation, I am sick and throwing up everyday. I have lacked on being the best parent I could possibly be. I want my old self back.
I have had 3 surgeries since May all to fix the same issues. I have had dreams of a bigger family crushed, and my womanhood stripped away slowly.
It all started in April with extreme lower abdominal pain which was thought to be caused from an infection in my uterus caused by my mirena IUD. I was told to take antibiotics and no work for a week, I ended up in the hospital days later in pain and non stop vomiting from the pain so my doctor ordered surgery the next day. This first surgery showed a huge need for a hysterectomy caused by some endometriosis and pelvic congestion syndrome. Which meant all my dreams for a bigger family, my wish for having my little girl were now gone. 
A month later I had my hysterectomy, as much as I didn't want to, it was a must and the doctor was very hopeful this would end my pain. The recovery was slow and long, it took weeks for me to feel like myself. And for a month or so I did feel better.
Then it all started again, the pain and the nausea were back. So we decided to do a 6 month course of a chemo like injection that is supposed to put you into a chemically induced menopause. I can recall my first weeks on this medication, I felt like crap honestly. I had no energy, every muscle hurt and the simple act of getting up and down was wearing on me. After the first month, the extreme sickness came along. I was on anti nausea meds around the clock with no help. Our goal at this time was to get through one more month and hopefully I would get some relief. But week after week passed with no help so after long talks, we decided that the only option left was to remove my ovaries and tubes.
I had surgery only a week ago for this and so still recovering. I can say though that being thrown into menopause is no joke. It's extremely hard, the hot flashes are draining on me mentally. Not to mention the thoughts I have anyway of being only 29 years old and going through something that people double my age should be going through. Not me.
I can't sleep, I am so restless, my mind is going non stop. I know I am going into depression about this, it's not just the pain (which yes, is getting better) but it is still the nausea, everyday throwing up. I can't shake it, I hate even getting out of bed. I know I am being mean to everyone around me, I am being short to my kids but I don't know how to stop. I can't. I just want to be happy and healthy again. I want to run, running away would be nice too. But I want to be back to wanting to get up and go to the gym, wanting to play with my kids, I just want to feel better. I am so tired of feeling like crap.
I know it has to get better eventually, right? And what does this mean for me? I am 29 years old, I now have a greater risk for all these medically conditions because I have lost major hormone producing organs in my body. And now I have to take medication for the rest of my life just to be able to function somewhat normal.
I just need reassurance, I need someone who can tell me without a doubt that it does get better because right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  


  1. I would really like to help you and take your pain away but I can't. Try to find the strenght to "survive" for you.. just you! Not your kids, not your spouse.. Maybe it will help to think that in a year from now taking pills will be a routine, and things will be better. I'm sending you all my positive thinking and wishes from Chania, Greece.

  2. It's good that you WANT to feel "normal" mentally again. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I've gone for different issues before and it's really helped. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few years ago and I have been taking Prozac for it. I know that isn't for everyone but honestly, I can't tell you how much of a difference it's made for me in the quality of my life. There are lots of different options out there, whether they be medicinal or otherwise! :)

  3. Thanks Amanda! The Dr tells me it's my sudden lack of hormones but they can't fix it for at least another month til everything heals from surgery.